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Anyway.
Caitlin recently wrote a post with some of her "confessions" and I'm taking a cue from her today to come clean with some stuff.
1. My canine teeth grew in weird as a kid, so it looks like I have fangs. Which has taken me over 20 years to become okay with. I was pretty poor as a kid, so braces were out of the question. I'm comfortable with myself now, however reversing 20+ years of never feeling comfortable smiling with my teeth showing and therefore just not ever smiling with teeth or even laughing without covering my mouth has proven quite difficult. I'll get there though! All in good time.
2. I hate 99% of parties. I really, really do. Not only do I not drink, which seems to be a large focus at many social gatherings and other various get-togethers, but I'm bloody awful at making conversation. I've never made good first impressions and I stutter and blush and get confused when I'm talking to someone I'm not comfortable with. Especially because it usually ends up as "Want a beer? No? You don't drink? Uh... why?" accompanied with a look of confusion. I mean, I suppose that begs the question how I ended up with all the awesome buddies I have now, and really, I don't have any other answer other than "I was just extraordinarily fortunate." And truly, at the end of the day, I'd most likely rather just go home and make tacos and play a board game with a few close friends, than stand in a corner drinking water from a solo cup and making awkward conversation.
3. I have little tolerance for rude people, but don't speak up nearly enough. Sometimes people are really mean for no reason (I'm thinking about you, angry older redheaded woman who apparently "can't stand for more than 5 minutes" but I've seen stand for more than 5 minutes and feels it necessary to bark orders at people on the train platform like "TURN DOWN YOUR HEADPHONES"). Sometimes I feel like I might be invisible when I walk down the street because people really enjoy running into me and not even saying anything like "Excuse me" or "I'm sorry." Things like this happen all the time, and 1/100th of the time I'll say something. It makes me feel bad, not standing up for myself or others against offenses like that, but I'm terrible at confrontation and every time I have, I turn bright red, stutter, speak poorly, and feel like I might cry... so usually I can't bring myself to open my mouth and just sit and stew. It's a damn shame.
4. I fluctuate between being inspired about blogging to hating blogging, usually making that trek about once a day. I usually have "blogging is a bore" moments any time I feel like I'm due for a post and can't think of anything. It is especially difficult because usually I feel like a fraud when I jump on blogging bandwagons and post things like "My Life In Instagram Photos" or "If you really knew me, you'd know _____" because it just doesn't feel natural or inspired (present post excluded, of course, but may I point out that I've been seeing these "confession" posts forEVER and could never bring myself to do one). Some days I read other blogs and I'm inspired and excited about the community and the individuals and the creativity and I write and schedule 7 blog posts... but other days I feel pressured (by myself, mostly) and uncomfortable with feeling like I should be doing things I'm not interested in in order to achieve a level of success in the blog world (which is a silly thing in itself, if I'm being honest here). So then I get defiant, say "Well that's dumb, I don't care," and this blog sits dormant until I can bring myself to say "No one dictates my blog but ME! I'm gonna talk about my crooked teeth; suck it, fashionistas!" and then posts like these are born. It's a very odd swing of things; peaks and valleys, ups and downs, deserts and oceans. It probably makes me a very unpredictable blogger - which, if all those other blogs are true, is bad bad bad because to be a good blogger one must have a theme and a voice and a vision and consistency and a schedule and branding and recurring features and pretty pictures and ZZZZZZzzzzzz - but... well, no one dictates my blog but me, so hey, I'm gonna not do those things if I don't want to and I'm gonna try to not pressure myself to keep a consistent blogging schedule. That's when things become filler and fluff, and I don't want my blog to have any filler or fluff.
Unless the fluff is actually marshmallows, in which case this blog probably needs more fluff.
Also, my readers are the shit and I like the interactions we have. (psssst -- that includes you!)
Well, that turned into something other than originally intended, and I can't help but feeling that I come across as a bit of an asshole there, but oh well. Maybe I'm just PMSing [hint: I'm not, and that article is a good read about the usage of that as an excuse for a bad mood, with some good societal points to consider].
I can relate to most of these. I am so awkward at parties, I avoid them at all costs. Twice a year I help run charity events and that is mortifying because I have to talk to people and act social...not fun, but someone's gotta do it ;)
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Good on you for getting past that anxiety for a good cause! :) I hate the feeling of laughing at a joke I don't really think is funny, or carrying on a conversation with someone I don't really like or have nothing in common with, for the sake of appearances. It's exhausting. :/
DeleteThis is awesome. I get the blogging thing where sometimes you feel like you should have a theme or whatever but I look at these top dog blogs where it's all sponsers, and ads and buy buy buy and I just think it looks fucking exhausting, especially keeping up with the latest trends etc. Are you really gonna care how many followers you had in 10 years time?? No.
ReplyDeleteSeriously! If it's your *job,* like if you're paying your rent with the money made from blogging, I say good on ya and go for it. But 99.9% of bloggers will never be able to say that, and they work towards it like there's more than a 0.01% chance of that ever happening, and you're right -- it looks fucking exhausting. And for what? I blog because it's fun, but the blog community appears to be very focused on consumption, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies.
DeleteI haven't been to a heavy-duty mass-drinking party, but it seems like most of the get-togethers with my University social group involved a lot of alcohol... though nobody (publicly) took offense to my one friend's consistent abstaining. And those parties were all fairly repetitive and eventually boring. I like the board-game parties with my high school group much better (although I could even use a toss-up from those time and again).
ReplyDeleteSpeaking up like that is definitely tough, and you really have to pick your fights... A lot of people get defensive or just don't care if you call them out on stuff like that. So not feeling up to it isn't a bad thing :) I'm sure when it _really_ counts, you'll manage.
I have a similar thing with blogging, but I largely take comfort in the fact that I'm pretty sure I have very few readers and most of them know me well enough to be satisfied with whatever I decide to post. (And also your... quirky randomness... on your blog inspires me to be a bit more free with mine too =D)
Yeah, I'm sure college events are a little less... "ragey" for lack of a better word. Anything with the guise of some structure (outside of a theme like "birthday party" and the like) tends to be a little mellower. However, it's nice to know your friend didn't catch hell for not partaking! I have just been to [and invited to] so many social events where the main reason for getting together is "We'll just drink beer and _____" which isn't really my bag.
DeleteYou make a very valid point. It might just be that people, even if they were called out on their shittiness, might a) not care, or b) be motivated to be shittier. I hope that I can really stand up when it truly counts.
:) It's nice to know that my approach to blogging is inspirational in one way or another! I rather enjoy reading yours; it's different than a lot of blogs in my reader and a breath of fresh air from the Etsy wishlists and the like.
I can relate to all of these points except for half of the first one. I had braces for five years and jaw surgery to fix mine. Large parties are super awkward. I never 'get' them--like, the flow doesn't work somehow. I just end up stuttering. I've determined a long time ago that my ideal amount of people is three. Four is my partner is one of them.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, I hope if I decide to fix mine, they don't require jaw surgery. :[ My dentist does bring up orthodontia any time I go in, and it's always a "It's on my tentative to-do list" kind of deal. "Maybe one day." But if I need anything beyond invisalign, hoo boy, I don't know if I'll bother. I'll just keep flossin' thoroughly!
DeleteI can do a group of 5, but that's usually my max and includes my fiance and roommate. :)
I tend to be really tolerant of things and then go BATSHIT INSANE on people. lol
ReplyDeleteI had REALLY messed up teeth, but got braces and now they're pretty nice. I'm super-paranoid about teeth though, it's my nightmare that something happens to them since I had to go through braces/bands/headgear once already.
I don't mind large parties if I have a group of people I'm there with... otherwise they are very awkward.
Blogging... I feel the same way. I feel like a lot of the big blogs are just fluff, and I can't stand them. I do have some fluff posts (like kittens!) but at the same time, they're typically somewhat related to my life anyhow, so while they may not be "omg amazing" they're something that I might enjoy looking back on in a few years. I try not to do too much in the way of the "buy this!" crap unless it's something I really like... Which is why it's mostly handmade or webdesign-related when I post those things. lol
Man, I don't even have the flipouts until way later and it's not even remotely productive. But I have made a mental note never to piss you off... ;)
DeleteI've always just been so insecure about my teeth, but lately I've just kind of been fed up with having this stupid hang-up regarding something that I really don't have much power over (moneymoneymoney). So long as I take care of them, I don't see why I should hate them just because they're a little crooked. I mean, I have all of my teeth. They grew in that way. And yet only recently I've made efforts to unravel 25 or so years of hating my smile. I don't know why it took so long to hit me that it's a dumb thing to worry about. It's not an 11th finger.
I'll come right out and say it, your kitten posts bring me too much joy for me to consider them fluff. They legitimately have a positive impact on my Monday mornings, lol. But yeah, I just have a hard time with blogging. I just may not have the level of narcissism required to "make it" in the "blog world" (guh, that just sounds so dumb to me). Not to say all bloggers are narcissists, per se, but I think it takes a level of vanity, a certain amount of exhibitionism, to put yourself out into a public forum in such a way. I just want to stay honest. :/
Posts like these are really neat, and I haven't seen them around much. I can definitely relate to being awkward at parties... how do conversations work? haha anyway I'm new follower so I'd thought I'd leave a comment and say hi!
ReplyDeleteHaha, I agree! It's nice to meet you, and thanks for the comment! <3
DeleteAmen to...pretty much all of these. I'm not one for parties, which made me pretty much loathe most of college. Well, no, I just hung out with the cool kids and did things like go the park. Parks are better :D
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